It’s been [extremely Barenaked Ladies voice] less than one week since our mid-year review of the 2024 Fingers Regulatory Roulette candidates—i.e., beverage-alcohol iNnOVatIoNs that might-could finally provoke policymakers to fuck the entire booze business with the long dick of the law over allegations of marketing to children. And what in my buzzword-choked inbox doth appear, but a press release announcing Dunkin’ Spiked’s newest flavor, Pumpkin Spiced Iced Latte.
On one hand, it’s the logical next turn of the screw for the beloved franchisor’s Harpoon Brewery-abetted adventures in soft-to-hard crossover glory. On the other, dropping Kappa Kappa Loko in this regulatory climate (just six months removed from the allegedly lethal “Charged Sips” shitshow at fellow fast-casual juggernaut Panera, which didn’t even have alcohol in it, mind you) is… man, I don’t know. Bold? Brilliant? Brave, given the broader context? The hell if I know, I just make-a da posts. And anyway, I ask the questions around here!!! Ahem. What’s the most out-of-pocket crossover alcohol brand to hit the market yet/lately?
Is it Eggo Nog Appalachian Sippin’ Cream? Welch’s Craft Cocktails? Sunny D vodka-seltzer? Or maybe it’s none of the above, because you straight-up don’t believe that state lawmakers have the juice to drop the hammer on such a powerful and well-funded industry as beverage alcohol, no matter the occasional product that looks more than a smidge like actual juice? Could be! Roulette is a game of chance, after all, and the gambling gaming industry wins more than it loses.
Let’s talk about it, or anything else, like the facts that:
Or, you know, whatever’s on your mind. Comments are open to sickos free and paid (but if you’re free, please upgrade paid, every subscription helps!), and I’ll be in and out all day.
P.S.—Don’t forget to grab your limited-edition “United States of Boilermakers” from Fingers x Pints and Panels! It’s original art from two independent drinks-media cReAtOrS (me and the extremely talented Em Sauter) that will look terrific hanging over your barcart. Or wherever, really. Get yours now!
See that's the most fucked-up part about all this! It's dairy-free, but also "lactose-friendly," which implies... I mean, I don't even know what it implies. But I'm scared. And cold?
Um..... never mind I guess but maybe this is progress. I'm picturing a "lactose-friendly" non-lactose molecule buying a lactose molecule a boilermaker because thats more fun than trying to figure out what is actually in this beverage.
I do sometimes wonder where the point of diminishing returns on these "health halo" allergen/nutritional profile claims is for brands like this, just in general. Like, at some point, the effort to make something "lactose-friendly" (and probably more importantly, to make that claim defensible against a class-action suit if/when one arises) has gotta not be worth it... right?
Or... it may be marketing copy writers needing to fill space? You know, in a legal sense there's probably more risk in making the "friendly" claim than just not presenting the claim at all. Of course it doesn't mean anything so law-talkin-people would probably think it a push.
I truly do not care whether any given politician drinks alcohol or not but Vance sounds like an alien who read the dictionary definition of "liquids on planet Earth."
His response makes me 99.9999% certain that he knows "a guy I'd like to have a beer with" is a common (albeit annoying/dumb) metric for the median voter when selecting candidates, and demanded his entire team put their heads together on a response to that question that would make him seem normal and cool. And they came up with an IRL equivalent like two notches less alien than the Men In Black sugar water scene: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qgKUsDptKQ
A latte is 70-80% milk. Hard milk is happening now. What a time to be alive.
See that's the most fucked-up part about all this! It's dairy-free, but also "lactose-friendly," which implies... I mean, I don't even know what it implies. But I'm scared. And cold?
Um..... never mind I guess but maybe this is progress. I'm picturing a "lactose-friendly" non-lactose molecule buying a lactose molecule a boilermaker because thats more fun than trying to figure out what is actually in this beverage.
I do sometimes wonder where the point of diminishing returns on these "health halo" allergen/nutritional profile claims is for brands like this, just in general. Like, at some point, the effort to make something "lactose-friendly" (and probably more importantly, to make that claim defensible against a class-action suit if/when one arises) has gotta not be worth it... right?
Or... it may be marketing copy writers needing to fill space? You know, in a legal sense there's probably more risk in making the "friendly" claim than just not presenting the claim at all. Of course it doesn't mean anything so law-talkin-people would probably think it a push.
I truly do not care whether any given politician drinks alcohol or not but Vance sounds like an alien who read the dictionary definition of "liquids on planet Earth."
His response makes me 99.9999% certain that he knows "a guy I'd like to have a beer with" is a common (albeit annoying/dumb) metric for the median voter when selecting candidates, and demanded his entire team put their heads together on a response to that question that would make him seem normal and cool. And they came up with an IRL equivalent like two notches less alien than the Men In Black sugar water scene: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qgKUsDptKQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-GY7Lm_ssa8
^ Notably this is also how the Spiked PSL is made
This is actually a Dunkin' trade secret, you'll be receiving a cease and desist from Casey Affleck any minute now.
Unrelated but: God these two are extremely attractive, huh? Brundlefly could absolutely get it.