The “which candidate could I see myself having a beer with?” litmus test of electoral politics is stupid and vacuous and inherently regressive, as I wrote last year in a guest column at
Lenz’s wonderful Men Yell At Me newsletter. It’s also outdated? Bud Light sales peaked in 2008, and since then, the once-straightforward American beer category has fractured into a dozen-plus segments, from craft beer, to hard seltzer, to whatever we’re calling Smooj now.
Our presidential candidates are outdated, too. President Joe Biden exited the race for that very reason, while Don from Queens is still shuffling through it looking like a microwaved baseball mitt and sounding like Jim Crow in hospice. (Like Biden, he is also a teetotaler.) With 59 year-old Vice President Kamala Harris the presumptive Democratic nominee, and 40 year-old Senator JD “I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Sofa” Vance (R-Thiel) stinking up the Trump undercard, this year’s presidential race has some fresh blood. It’s a perfect time for a new hypothetical. Which presidential candidates could you see having drank original-formula Four Loko?
, who noted this week that Vance would’ve been in his mid-20s when the caffeinated malt liquor was in its chaotic, occasionally lethal heyday. Harris, for her part, would’ve been just 45 in 2010, when the FDA published the sternly worded writing on the wall that convinced Four Loko’s parent company to “voluntarily” reformulate the product sans caffeine. Both drink, and as Harris was a member of the Congressional Wine Caucus during her time in the Senate, it’s an odds-on chance that Harris’s veep choice will, too. Have they slaked their thirst for mayhem from the fountain of original formu-Loko, or “energy beer” predecessors like Sparks, Tilt, and Budweiser Extra? What about third-partiers like ol’ Brain Worms Kennedy and “Silicon Valley princess” Nicole Shanahan?
Questions abound apace when you look to previous races. I can’t imagine former Trump vice president/January 6th assassination target Mike Pence riding the lightning—do you? Jill Stein? Gary Johnson? Barack Obama was in 47 on the campaign trail in 2008, do we think he cracked one of those neon camo cans just to see what all of the fuss was about? American voting public deserves to know!!!
Ahem. Anyway, other questions the American drinking public might want answers to include:
Come through with your hottest takes, casual OSINT analysis, and florid historical fiction on the flavored-malt-beverage proclivities of our ruling class! It’s your Fingers Friday Thread!
P.S.—Don’t forget to grab your limited-edition “United States of Boilermakers” from Fingers x Pints and Panels! It’s original art from two independent drinks-media cReAtOrS (me and the extremely talented Em Sauter) that will look terrific hanging over your barcart. Or wherever, really. Get yours now!
Let’s be honest, no one over the age of 35 (at the time) tried original Four Loko. That immediately means that Trump (2010: 64), Melania (2010: 40), Kamala (2010: 46), and Doug (2010: 46) are out. This leaves the VP/assumed VP candidates in: JD (2010: 26), Usha (2010: 24), Andy Beshear (making assumptions) (2010: 33), Britainy Beshear (why this spelling of Brittany?!) (2010: 31) all definitely tried it.
Tim Walz would also have been 46 in 2010, but honestly strikes me as the sort of dude who would impulse-buy a tallboy at the gas station to drink while working on his motorcycle and listening to Steely Dan. Also he has a DUI from way back, which doesn't MEAN he drank Four Loko, but at the very least seems to correlate with The Loko Lifestyle™️.
"Second Lady Britainy Beshear" would be a tough chyron to look at for the next four years, luckily I don't watch news and nobody really interviews the vice president's spouse anyway.
Do you think 35 was really the cutoff to TRY it? I was in college while the original formula was on shelves (2006-2010), and even prior to its arrival in Virginia, we were very into making Sporties—drink half an Olde English 800 forty then pour a 16oz Sparks into it. So I obviously can't speak to what Gen Xers were doing at house parties (let alone boomers.) According to Wikipedia, Melania "avoided the drinking and partying that often consumed the lives of the models around her" during her early years in the US in the mid-'90s, so you might be right about her, although one could argue that after marrying Donnie Deals in 2005, she may have been more open to Four Loko's mind-numbing properties?
We were at UVA together, Mr. Infante (I was 04-08!) Haha - and yes, I do remember this. My Gen X husband was 35 in the year of our Lord of 2010 and swears he tried it, hence my (very scientific) 35 year old cut off. I'd be lenient maybe up to 40, but if Kamala/Doug tried it, it was definitely at the family gathering when they accidentally grabbed the wrong can out of the 21 year old's cooler.
All that said, I'll acquiesce that Tim Walz definitely tried it (probably on the night of said DUI), Josh Shapiro went to Georgetown Law graduating in 2002 so he definitely tried it when he was "slumming it" with his law friends, and Mark Kelly did not. I don't know why he didn't. Something about his face.
OK, you're right, that's very scientific. "n of 1" means the dataset is *good* right?
I feel like Shapiro going to Georgetown Law actually makes him even less likely to have tried it... you know how Hoyas are...
Mark Kelly gives off enormous D.A.R.E. officer energy, there's no way in hell he tried it, AND he almost certainly stoked the moral panic about its popularity.
Just imagine if you gave Don from Queens just one original recipe 4 LOKO, all those inhibitions released in one all CAPS stream of contentiousness. Asinine ation would be inflicted, inflected and infected on us all.
Oh, absolutely. One could even see her just acquiring a taste for it and stocking up on the original-formula stuff before it got pulled in order to host a Four Loko-pocalypse key party, if one was into that sort of thing. She's vibrating on a different wavelength, man!!!
Wasn't Kamala California's AG during that window? I could potentially see her trying it to see what it was all about as she pondering legal action against the drink for its dangerousness. No opinions on who all may have tried it otherwise.
Let’s be honest, no one over the age of 35 (at the time) tried original Four Loko. That immediately means that Trump (2010: 64), Melania (2010: 40), Kamala (2010: 46), and Doug (2010: 46) are out. This leaves the VP/assumed VP candidates in: JD (2010: 26), Usha (2010: 24), Andy Beshear (making assumptions) (2010: 33), Britainy Beshear (why this spelling of Brittany?!) (2010: 31) all definitely tried it.
Rigorous analysis. It’s what I do.
Shapiro was 37 but he seems like way too much of a nerd to dabble: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Josh_Shapiro#/media/File:Josh_Shapiro.jpg
Tim Walz would also have been 46 in 2010, but honestly strikes me as the sort of dude who would impulse-buy a tallboy at the gas station to drink while working on his motorcycle and listening to Steely Dan. Also he has a DUI from way back, which doesn't MEAN he drank Four Loko, but at the very least seems to correlate with The Loko Lifestyle™️.
"Second Lady Britainy Beshear" would be a tough chyron to look at for the next four years, luckily I don't watch news and nobody really interviews the vice president's spouse anyway.
Do you think 35 was really the cutoff to TRY it? I was in college while the original formula was on shelves (2006-2010), and even prior to its arrival in Virginia, we were very into making Sporties—drink half an Olde English 800 forty then pour a 16oz Sparks into it. So I obviously can't speak to what Gen Xers were doing at house parties (let alone boomers.) According to Wikipedia, Melania "avoided the drinking and partying that often consumed the lives of the models around her" during her early years in the US in the mid-'90s, so you might be right about her, although one could argue that after marrying Donnie Deals in 2005, she may have been more open to Four Loko's mind-numbing properties?
We were at UVA together, Mr. Infante (I was 04-08!) Haha - and yes, I do remember this. My Gen X husband was 35 in the year of our Lord of 2010 and swears he tried it, hence my (very scientific) 35 year old cut off. I'd be lenient maybe up to 40, but if Kamala/Doug tried it, it was definitely at the family gathering when they accidentally grabbed the wrong can out of the 21 year old's cooler.
All that said, I'll acquiesce that Tim Walz definitely tried it (probably on the night of said DUI), Josh Shapiro went to Georgetown Law graduating in 2002 so he definitely tried it when he was "slumming it" with his law friends, and Mark Kelly did not. I don't know why he didn't. Something about his face.
OK, you're right, that's very scientific. "n of 1" means the dataset is *good* right?
I feel like Shapiro going to Georgetown Law actually makes him even less likely to have tried it... you know how Hoyas are...
Mark Kelly gives off enormous D.A.R.E. officer energy, there's no way in hell he tried it, AND he almost certainly stoked the moral panic about its popularity.
Regardless whether Harris has, I'm convinced that Emhoff had (has?) that energy (forgive the pun).
I also think that both Clintons tried it in an effort to seem cool and relatable to The Youths.
1000%. Emhoff has the look of the only dad at parents' weekend who everybody actually enjoys playing pong with, not just as a brief novelty.
Just imagine if you gave Don from Queens just one original recipe 4 LOKO, all those inhibitions released in one all CAPS stream of contentiousness. Asinine ation would be inflicted, inflected and infected on us all.
Without exaggeration, I think that would be enough to make his heart give out. He doesn't drink, and he looks TERRIBLE these days.
One could very much see an in her 50s Marianne Williamson, who is perpetually attempting to appeal to younger generations, having dabbled with 4Loko.
Oh, absolutely. One could even see her just acquiring a taste for it and stocking up on the original-formula stuff before it got pulled in order to host a Four Loko-pocalypse key party, if one was into that sort of thing. She's vibrating on a different wavelength, man!!!
Wasn't Kamala California's AG during that window? I could potentially see her trying it to see what it was all about as she pondering legal action against the drink for its dangerousness. No opinions on who all may have tried it otherwise.
According to Wikipedia, she was the district attorney of San Francisco through 2011, didn't head to Sacramento until the year after it got pulled. That said, CA appears to have issued a statutory ban on caffeinated alcoholic beverages in 2011: https://www.nbclosangeles.com/news/local/caffeinated-alcohol-banned-in-calif/1904229/
So she definitely would've been aware of it, no doubt about that.