Please use "Beast Unleashed" in a sentence
Monster Energy hard seltzer SOON COME + new TikTok #speakeasy just dropped
🕑 Monster Hard Seltzer
Like China launching live-fire exercises in response to Nancy Pelosi’s
insider-trading goodwill junket to Taiwan, and Ron DeSantis purging political foes from elected office as he limbers up to barnstormtroop his way to the White House, it was only a matter of time until Monster Energy upped the ante and entered the flavored malt beverage business. Happily, Big M’s foray into the wild, wildly lucrative world of hard seltzer isn’t literally explosive or politically fraught, but make no mistake: it’s got plenty of shock-and-awe. On its Q2 earnings call earlier this week, Monster’s CEO announced that the company would roll out a 6% ABV beverage named—and I am so serious, you guys—Beast Unleashed. That’s right: Beast Unleashed. I can see you’re confused, let me use it in a few sentences for you:
“My favorite band is the Chainsmokers. Can you grab me another Beast Unleashed from the YETI?”
“I just bought an $80,000 Ford F-150 King Ranch Edition and can’t afford gas. Thanks Joe Brandon! Anyway, want to go grab a quick round of Beasts Unleashed?”
“Beast Unleashed… aren’t those the testosterone pills that Alex Jones sells on InfoWars?”
“This might be the Beast Unleashed talking, but I think GamerGate was the most important social movement of our lifetime.”
“BEAST UNLEASHED! BEAST UNLEASHED!” [frothing at the mouth, chanting gutturally]
“Beast Unleashed is poised to steal share from comparably positioned soft-drink crossover FMBs such as Hard MTN Dew and Bang Mixx thanks to Monster’s marketing expertise and loyal customer base.”
Does that help? No? Ah. Well, anyway: I’ve written before about the energy drink-to-hard seltzer pipeline, and when Monster acquired the CANarchy Craft Brewery Collective and its enviable U.S. distribution network in 2021 for a $330 million song, I argued that it was only a matter of time before the No.2 energy-drink company in the country (behind only Red Bull) passed magisterially through it. Now, it will: Beast Unleashed is slated to launch in select markets by the end of the year, and nationally by the end of 2023. Our long national nightmare is almost over, dear reader. Or, just beginning, I guess. We’ll see!
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⛓️ New TikTok #speakeasy just dropped
So you know how the United States incarcerates more people per capita than any other country in the world, and many of the prisons themselves are for-profit? And you know how prisons have bars (to force people to perform slave labor and dehumanize them too?) Sure, sure. Now close your eyes and imagine that this carceral state has become so normalized in American popular culture and civic life that regular people find its aesthetics of racist, punitive institutional cruelty novel, rather than grotesque.
OK, open your eyes: