The 2021 Bad Holiday Gift Guide for Heavy-Drinking Frenemies™
Our 2nd-annual collection of crappy booze-related presents for highly specific people you kinda hate!
Happy holidays from Fingers HQ. I will not say “Merry Christmas” because I am a godless coastal elite duty-bound by George Soros to destroy America’s Christian foundation (which is largely an invention of last century’s red-baiting corporate robber-baron freaks, btw but w/e), which is why I spent my weekend collecting signatures from like-minded infidels who want Starbucks to transfer ownership of all its properties to the Church of Satan. Yes they’ve already gotten rid of the Merry Christmas on the cups but that’s simply not enough for The Intolerant Left of which I am a part. When given an inch I will take everything from you, I’m sorry those are the rules and fuck your McMansion too while we’re on the subject.
So happy holidays it is.
Perhaps you’re in the market for some gifts. I should warn you, this is an extremely late hour to be shopping for presents—supply-chain issues, and so forth—and also everything you buy is making our climate death more inevitable, which is not great. But then again even if you don’t buy anything, just 100 companies are responsible for over 70% of the world’s pollution so I guess your gift-giving really isn’t to blame after all, my bad.
All that being said, welcome to Fingers’ second-annual1 Bad Gift Guide for Heavy-Drinking Frenemies™ (“BGGfH-DF”). If you’re shopping for actual friends and loved ones, I don’t recommend buying any of this shit on account of some of it is quite expensive and all of it is stupid.2 But if you have a frenemy in your life to whom you are simply obligated to give a present—a bad boss, say, or an evil stepmother or whatever—I endorse every one of the products below for passive-aggressive drinks-related gifting.
You won’t find any run-of-the-mill drinks junk on the BGGfH-DF, which has been expertly curated by your fearless Fingers editor (with an assist from some intrepid Twitter followers.) In other words: no whiskey stones, bourbon maple syrups, Scotch-scented candles, obscenely over-engineered flasks, or wood-worked six-pack carriers. Such knick-knackery is undoubtedly corny, but unremarkably so. Instead, I’ve handpicked a dozen highly specific, deeply stupid gifting options to make your giftees feel one-dimensional, misunderstood and/or unloved, and fill their house with junk to boot. Diabolical!
How specific are we talking here? So glad you asked. On the 2021 BGGfH-DF you’ll find gifts for:
Couples that think they’re too good for YETIs!
“Job creators” who nevertheless fetishize automation!
Antifa-fearing real-estate investors!
And so on!
As you can see, we value precision here at Fingers HQ. Will your giftees? Who cares! Make sure you tell them you found their crappy present via Fingers, and remember at all costs to sign your card “Happy Holidays.” George Soros and I would really appreciate it.
And now, to the gifts!