The 2023 Bad Holiday Gift Guide for Heavy-Drinking Frenemies™

Fingers' 4th-annual collection of crappy booze-related presents for highly specific people you kinda hate!

Editor’s note: This is the final edition of Fingers for 2023. I’m taking some time off to rest and recharge over the holidays. I hope you’re able to as well. Regular boozeletter programming will resume the week of January 8th, with some exciting and overdue operational changes I’ll detail then. Everything is great, nobody panic. In the meantime, here’s a fun bonus edition exclusively for paying Friends of Fingers. (The rest of you: upgrade now for 25% off for a limited time!) Happy holidays from HQ!—Dave.

---

Oh what fun it is to shitpost in a one-man independent boozeletter, Fingers Fam! ‘Tis the season for courting eggnog-flavored botulism, marinating in travel-induced cortisol, and pretending to have strong opinions on whether Die Hard is a Christmas movie. ‘Tis also the season for Fingers’ fourth-annual Bad Holiday Gift Guide for Heavy-Drinking Frenemies™ (BHGGfH-DF™ 2023, for short.) O'er the list of crap we’ll go, sneering all the way!

Last year’s BHGGfH-DF™ was chock-full of obscenely expensive and deeply embarrassing garbagio for all the cads, jabronis, and flakes in your life, including college buddies who told you to go all-in on FTX, perfectly friendly NIMBY Boomers next door, and bosses obsessed with Wall Street Journal articles about “quiet quitting.” Man, all those folks—who for legal reasons, definitely aren’t lightly fictionalized versions of people I know—blew chunks, huh? Luckily (for BHGGfH-DF™ purposes, at least) 2023 introduced us to a whole new slate of unbearable-but-inescapable freaks we just have to live with, such as:

• Your Facebook aunt who abruptly stopped talking about January 6th, 2021 for… reasons!

• The Resycore pottery hottie who somehow managed to buy in your neighborhood!

• A significant other whose politics you’re discovering via The Gilded Age Season 2!

And on, and on. Stuck with one of these regrettable fuckers in your gifting orbit? Then buddy, does Fingers have you covered. As always, I highly discourage you from actually buying any of this dreck out of obligation for people you hate, and buying a gift subscription to the boozeletter for somebody you like instead. (They’re 25% off through December 25th!) But ‘tis the season to viciously bully rich people by night until they finally give Bob Cratchit an extra chicken, or whatever. Jingle some bells, give the bastards hell, and all that.

On the subject of giving things to bastards, and without further ado: here’s your Bad Holiday Gift Guide for Heavy-Drinking Frenemies™ of 2023!

💰 Your casually racist brother-in-law in private equity