The Gosling Index of Ready-to-Drink Premiumization and/or Vibes™℠®©
A vital forecasting resource from the boozeletter's award-losing in-house market research arm
Perhaps you’ve heard that there’s a new Barbie movie coming out featuring Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling as
Bang Energy influencers Barbie and Ken, respectively. What does this have to do with drinking in America? Ah, so glad you asked.
Behold Fingers’ Gosling Index of Ready-to-Drink Premiumization and/or Vibes™℠®©, a vital forecasting resource for consumer packaged goods professionals created by Fingers on the Pulse, the boozeletter’s award-losing in-house market research arm. This infographic, which is factually accurate in every way and shall not be amended no matter how many angry emails I receive, originally appeared on the official Fingers Instagram, which you should follow right now if you haven’t already. Go ahead, I’ll wait:
Sorry, what’s that? You’re having some trouble figuring out how to read this chart? Allow me to explain (from left to right):
Only God Forgives Gosling is Four Loko, because if last decade taught us anything it’s that combining caffeine and malt liquor and selling it at gas stations for like $3.50 was a temptation no one was capable of resisting, and often resulted in physical harm.
Blue Valentine Gosling is Southern Comfort Lemonade and Lime because… actually I forget what I was going for here, I’ve never even seen this movie, was it good?
The Notebook Gosling probably would’ve made some thematic sense as Southern Comfort but is nevertheless Lone River Ranch Water, because it’s a localized cultural expression from below the Mason-Dixon Line that has been gussied-up to be marketed to mainstream consumers at commodity scale.
Barbie Gosling is Loverboy basically entirely on aesthetic grounds, because when I think of well-manicured flavored malt beverages with uncannily smooth crotches I think of Loverboy. I will not be taking questions at this time.
The Big Short Gosling is Michelob Ultra Organic Seltzer for reasons that are obvious to anyone who’s had the misfortune of getting stuck behind a blue-buttondown banking intern trying to order multiple buckets of these fuckers for $45 apiece during a Stone Street summer Friday.
Drive Gosling is The Original Finnish Long Drink in the sense that they are both shiny and sleek and a lot more intense than you initially expect.
And of course, spanning the range from value Gosling to super-premium Gosling is Goslings’ Dark ‘n Stormy, which is a chameleonic abstraction that takes on the aura and character of pretty much any environment through magic and/or deliberately vague marketing. Questions? Comments? Additions? Please, by all means:
Like I mentioned, this index originally appeared on Fingers’ Instagram. I’m reposting it here because a) I’m finishing up a story that needs a little more work this afternoon; and b) the boozeletter has over 2,300 readers but only ~820 followers on Instagram, and it’d be cool to get those ‘gram numbers up! Mostly (a), if I’m being honest. But seriously: follow Fingers on Instagram! I post daily original memes about drinking culture, being online, and beyond, and it’s always free. Plus, I never post Reels, because who has the time? Not me.
📬 Good post alert
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📈 State of the Boozeletter™️: June 2022 edition
Hello and welcome back to the State of the Boozeletter™️, the monthly-ish Fingers feature where we check in on the financial health and well-being of our beloved independent media project about drinking in America. June 2022 was OK!
The most popular editions published between 6/1-6/30/22 were:
"It just gets too hyped up and almost becomes a parof itself"
The rise and fall of a top craft brewery, as told by the comments section
Booze, Boomers, and bullshit: welcome to grifting's Barrel Age
More, including some performance metrics and an extremely professional Bloody Mary infographic, right this way:
The upshot (as you’re likely familiar with by now) is that despite the strong trend lines, I need to sell more subscriptions to Fingers to keep this thing going. If you haven’t yet, I hope you’ll purchase one to support this project.
🤝 Behind the paywall: Settling up for June 2022
Each Friday in 🧾 The Settle-Up, I round up a bunch of stories from the booze business and beyond that caught my eye, then I editorialize the shit out of them. Paid-up Friends of Fingers can access an archive of all of June 2022’s Settle-Ups any time right here:
You’ll find previous months’ archival posts linked at the bottom of that one; those are also behind the paywall. If you haven’t yet, now is a wonderful time to buy a subscription to support this project!
📲 The best Fingers meme ever and/or lately
Don’t miss out, follow Fingers on Instagram today. It’s free and your feed will thank you. (Not really, that would be weird. But you know what I mean.)