Editor’s note: Congratulations, you made it to the first Friday of 2023. Nothing can stop you now. Probably! Normal Fingers programming resumes next week, but in the meantime, your ol’ pal Dave has a pair of pieces to hold you over:

My first VinePair column of 2023 about the weird, bad, and counterproductive backlash to Dry January that seems to crop up in (some) craft brewing circles every year.
This high-concept boozeletter classic from last year (originally published 1/3/2022) about the existential distress of being gifted whiskey stones over the holiday.

Don’t forget to buy a subscription if you haven’t yet: I depend support from readers like you—yes, you!—to keep publishing Fingers. Hope to see you on the other side of the paywall.—Dave.

According to polling I just made up to strengthen the premise of this newsletter, each year millions of boyfriends, husbands, fathers, and sons receive whiskey stones in their Christmas stockings. Maybe there are some women in there, too. Probably. Whatever, not the point.

The point is, while these giftees are intimately familiar with how whiskey works (you drink it, it makes you feel warm inside, then a few hours later you’re deep in conversation about whether Rip Torn or Norman Mailer would win in a contemporary rematch of Maidstone), they’re often flummoxed by the function of the fancy blocks they’ve just received. Why would I put rocks into a perfectly good glass of whiskey? they wonder, their brows all a-furrow.

That’s where the Fingers Whiskey Stone Giftee Helpline (FWSGH) comes in. Every year in the first week of January, the switchboards at Fingers HQ are set ablaze by bourbon bros, whiskey women, and Scotch sippers around the country, who are both relieved they didn’t get something off this year’s Bad Holiday Gift Guide for Heavy-Drinking Frenemies™, and utterly baffled as to what the fuck they’re supposed to do with their ornate, seemingly useless curios.

Giftees are matched with a highly trained boozeletter expert who talks them through this difficult, confusing holiday experience, sharing tips on how to use their whiskey stones and tricks for concealing the emotional dismay that comes from realizing that their friends and loved ones view them as a one-dimensional, brown liquor-loving caricature that has no other discernible traits or interests.

Given the sensitive nature of these conversations, FWSGH call transcripts have traditionally been kept strictly confidential. But for the first time ever, we’ve secured permission from select giftees to share portions of their distress calls with the Fingers Fam to promote greater acceptance, emotional wellbeing, and sense of community amongst other whiskey stone recipients who feel alone, perplexed, and misunderstood at this difficult moment.

Editor’s note: The transcripts below are 100% real and NOT fabricated for my own sick amusement, how could you even suggest such a thing? If you gave someone whiskey stones this year, I’m sure they loved them. Everybody stay calm.

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FWSGH Expert Helper: Thank you for calling the Fingers Whiskey Stone Giftee Support Holiday Helpline! Who do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?

Mike, whiskey stone giftee: Uh, this is Mike. Is this Williams Sonoma?

FWSGH Expert Helper: Not exactly, Mike! I’m part of a specialized unit of experts that partners with retailers like Williams Sonoma to help recipients understand and enjoy their new whiskey stones.

Mike, whiskey stone giftee: OK… the box says Williams Sonoma. Can you process a return for these or should I just go through the website?

FWSGH Expert Helper: A return? Why would you want to return your whiskey stones, Mike? How are you going to keep your whiskey cold?

Mike, whiskey stone giftee: Probably just ice cubes, I guess?

FWSGH Expert Helper: Ice cubes?! Egad, man! Don’t you understand that ice dilutes your whiskey as it melts?

Mike, whiskey stone giftee: Are people still saying “egad” these days?

FWSGH Expert Helper: Stay focused, Mike! You’ve just received a set of eight premium soapstone blocks that have been beautifully polished to a nonporous finish and naturally transfer the frigid temperature of your freezer to your beloved brown liquor without compromising its integrity… and you want to use ice cubes?!

Mike, whiskey stone giftee: I just don’t see when I’d ever use these. I mostly just drink Evan Williams.

FWSGH Expert Helper: “I mostly just drink Evan Williams.” Do you hear yourself, Mike? Do you sound like the man that your wife always hoped she’d marry? Man the fuck up!

Mike, whiskey stone giftee: My wife left me in October.

FWSGH Expert Helper: Oh… um… then who got you the whiskey stones?

Mike, whiskey stone giftee: My brother. He noticed I’ve been drinking a lot of bourbon lately and doesn’t know my marriage is over. I haven’t told anyone.

FWSGH Expert Helper: I see.

Mike, whiskey stone giftee: Can you please just transfer me to Williams Sonoma?

[call disconnected]

FWSGH Expert Helper: Thank you for calling the Fingers Whiskey Stone Giftee Support Holiday Helpline! Who do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?

Stephanie, whiskey stone giftee: This is Stephanie. What’s your name?

FWSGH Expert Helper: Oh I don’t have one. This is just a newsletter gimmick. Neither of us exist!

Stephanie, whiskey stone giftee: …What? Nevermind, I don’t care. Look, my dad bought me a pair of giant rock balls. He claims they’re “whiskey spheres;” is that even a thing?

FWSGH Expert Helper: Whiskey spheres, yes! Terrific. Milled from solid soapstone and with a smooth, broad surface to ensure even chilling of your preferred brown liquor. An excellent choice.

Stephanie, whiskey stone giftee: No, not an excellent choice. I don’t even drink whiskey.

FWSGH Expert Helper: Why did he get you whiskey spheres then?

Stephanie, whiskey stone giftee: I’ll tell you why. He always wanted a son. Never was shy about saying so. You know he tried to get me into the Boy Scouts as a kid? What kind of Freudian freak shit is that?

FWSGH Expert Helper: What’s wrong with the Boy Scouts?

Stephanie, whiskey stone giftee: I was a little girl!

FWSGH Expert Helper: Right. Of course.

Stephanie, whiskey stone giftee: This is so typical. Of course they’re balls, too. Got it, Dad. Reading you loud and clear!

FWSGH Expert Helper: Maybe he’s just struggling to find ways to connect with you ever since your mom died?

Stephanie, whiskey stone giftee: What?

FWSGH Expert Helper: Is… your mom not dead?

Stephanie, whiskey stone giftee: No. I’m staring right at her. She thinks the balls are weird, too.

FWSGH Expert Helper: Ah.

Stephanie, whiskey stone giftee: Was that just a wild guess that you threw out there? What the fuck is wrong with you? How many Lifetime movies have you watched, creep?

FWSGH Expert Helper:

Stephanie, whiskey stone giftee:

FWSGH Expert Helper: So the thing I really like about the soapstone spheres is that unlike the granite blocks, they really won’t scratch the inside of your glass no matter how delica— Stephanie?

[call disconnected]

FWSGH Expert Helper: Thank you for calling the Fingers Whiskey Stone Giftee Support Holiday Helpline! Who do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?

Keller, whiskey stone giftee: Hey, this is Keller.

FWSGH Expert Helper: Hi Keller! Tell me about your whiskey stones.

Keller, whiskey stone giftee: So my girlfriend got me a set of whiskey stones that are actually metal? They’re gold and geometric, and look pretty nice.

FWSGH Expert Helper: Oh, I know just the ones. Yes, that’s a beautiful set. And if I may say: not cheap either! She must really love you.

Keller, whiskey stone giftee: Yeah, so that’s kinda what I was calling about. She’s not working right now. She keeps telling me she’s “developing a money mindset” and “researching crypto” to “become a whale,” but… I mean, how much were these things?

FWSGH Expert Helper: I’m sorry Keller, but it’s against our policy to divulge how much your whiskey stones cost.

Keller, whiskey stone giftee: That’s OK. I guess that makes sens—

FWSGH Expert Helper: They were $60.

Keller, whiskey stone giftee: What?!

FWSGH Expert Helper: I know, right?! I told you she really loves you!

Keller, whiskey stone giftee: These cost $60?! She bought them for every guy in our family! She bought a set for her brother, and he’s been sober for like three years!

FWSGH Expert Helper: Well, I know that many people have made fortunes in crypto this year, perhaps she just wanted to share the wealth?

Keller, whiskey stone giftee: Not her. She has no idea what she’s doing. She keeps buying NFTs from her favorite TikTokers. I’ve been floating us on credit cards for months.

FWSGH Expert Helper: Some people get a little carried away with holiday spirit, Keller. I’m sure it’s not as bad as you think. How many sets are we talking about?

Keller, whiskey stone giftee: We’re both from big families… there are like… a dozen guys? 12 sets times 60 bucks a set… What is that?

FWSGH Expert Helper: $720. Before tax and shipping, of course.

Keller, whiskey stone giftee: Oh my god, they’re going to repo the Mazda. Are these returnable?

FWSGH Expert Helper: We actually don’t handle returns, the retailer does.

Keller, whiskey stone giftee: Wait, you’re not the retailer? Who am I even talking to?

[call disconnected]

FWSGH Expert Helper: Thank you for calling the Fingers Whiskey Stone Giftee Support Holiday Helpline! Who do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?

Jaxson, whiskey stone giftee: I’m Jaxson.

FWSGH Expert Helper: And do you spell your name, the normal way or the stupid way?

Jaxson, whiskey stone giftee: My mom invented the Live. Laugh. Love. font.

FWSGH Expert Helper: The stupid way, got it. What can I do for you, Jaxson?

Jaxson, whiskey stone giftee: So my wife bought me a big stainless-steel whiskey cube, which is sick.

FWSGH Expert Helper: Fantastic! From Rabbit, right? I have one myself. It’s dishwasher safe!

Jaxson, whiskey stone giftee: Yeah! Rabbit. Exactly. That’s what I wanted to ask you about.

FWSGH Expert Helper: By all means, please do.

Jaxson, whiskey stone giftee: In her card she wrote a note that said “If you’re looking for any belated Christmas gifts, I wouldn’t mind a Rabbit of my own. ;)” But there are two cubes in the set, she can just use one of mine, right?

FWSGH Expert Helper: Oh boy.

Jaxson, whiskey stone giftee: What?

FWSGH Expert Helper: First of all, did you not get your wife a Christmas gift?

Jaxson, whiskey stone giftee: Well… I’ve been really busy with work lately. I’m an e-commerce guru, developing strategies and systems to become a seven-figure Amazon earner.

FWSGH Expert Helper: So you’re a drop-shipper?

Jaxson, whiskey stone giftee: E-commerce guru. Anyway I was planning on getting her a gift! I’ll get her a Rabbit, I just don’t know what it is. That’s why I called you.

FWSGH Expert Helper: Uh-huh. Alright, this next question may seem a little improper, Jaxson, but I have to ask: how’s your sex life lately?

Jaxson, whiskey stone giftee: My what?

FWSGH Expert Helper: How often are you and your wife having sex?

Jaxson, whiskey stone giftee: What the hell does that have to do with anything?

FWSGH Expert Helper: Rarely, got it. We talking weeks? Months?

Jaxson, whiskey stone giftee: Dude, I’m not telling you about my sex life. I just want to know what this Rabbit is that my wife is talking about, if it’s not the whiskey cubes.

FWSGH Expert Helper: I’m actually not allowed to say.

Jaxson, whiskey stone giftee: What? How is that against the rules? You just asked me how often I bang my wife!

FWSGH Expert Helper: Sorry Jaxson, I don’t make the policies, my fictional call-center manager does. But I can tell you that the Rabbit she’s talking about should never go in the dishwasher.

Jaxson, whiskey stone giftee: This does nothing for me.

FWSGH Expert Helper: That’s what she’s been telling friends about your marriage.

Jaxson, whiskey stone giftee: What did you just say, motherfuc—

[call disconnected]

FWSGH Expert Helper: Thank you for calling the Fingers Whiskey Stone Giftee Support Holiday Helpline! Who do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?

Lieutenant Davis, whiskey stone recipient: My name is Lieutenant Marc Davis. I go by Lieutenant Davis.

FWSGH Expert Helper: Like at your job or just… in life?

Lieutenant Davis, whiskey stone recipient: When you walk the thin blue line there’s no difference. You can’t even begin to understand.

FWSGH Expert Helper: Mmhmm. Anyway! You called me, Lieutenant Davis. How can I help you?

Lieutenant Davis, whiskey stone recipient: My daughter got me whiskey stones for Christmas. The bullet kind.

FWSGH Expert Helper: The what?

Lieutenant Davis, whiskey stone recipient: Ashleigh got me whiskey bullet stone things for Christmas.

FWSGH Expert Helper: Oh, right. The bullets. I forgot they started making those. Is there a problem?

Lieutenant Davis, whiskey stone recipient: Yeah. I think it’s pretty irresponsible to sell these.

FWSGH Expert Helper: Well… wait, what? You do? Wow, that’s not where I thought you were going with this.

Lieutenant Davis, whiskey stone recipient: Yeah, I do. Kids shouldn’t be able to buy crap like this.

FWSGH Expert Helper: I couldn’t agree more, Lieutenant Davis. This is so refreshing to hear.

Lieutenant Davis, whiskey stone recipient: I want my daughter to know the look and feel of a live round, you know what I’m saying? The real deal. Full metal jacket. This trinkety bullshit is just going to confuse her.

FWSGH Expert Helper: Oh, I see. Guess I walked into this one. Are you looking to lodge a complaint?

Lieutenant Davis, whiskey stone recipient: No, I don’t like paperwork any more than the next guy. I just want to know where I can stock up on more of these.

FWSGH Expert Helper: You could ask your daughter where she got them. We don’t sell whiskey stones here at the helpline.

Lieutenant Davis, whiskey stone recipient: Alright, I’ll just keep an eye out for ‘em next time I’m on patrol.

FWSGSHH Expert Helper: What?

Lieutenant Davis, whiskey stone recipient: Few stores there might stock ‘em.

FWSGH Expert Helper: Where uh… where do you patrol, Lieutenant Davis?

Lieutenant Davis, whiskey stone recipient: The Mall of America, Bloomington, Minnesota.

FWSGH Expert Helper: You’re a security guard?

Lieutenant Davis, whiskey stone recipient: Hell no. Bloomington PD has a mall unit.

FWSGH Expert Helper: Jesus, why? Actually, don’t answer that. I hope you enjoy your daughter’s gift.

Lieutenant Davis, whiskey stone recipient: We wanted to arrest The Grinch this year but the wokes canceled us.

FWSGH Expert Helper: I don’t… do you have any other whiskey stone-related questions, Lieutenant Davis?

Lieutenant Davis, whiskey stone recipient: Oh yeah, one more thing—do you know if they make a version of these that look like The Punisher logo?

[call disconnected]

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