More than a few Friends of Fingers messaged me this week about “Demon Jizz BerryFister Blast,” a fictional energy drink that I made up to add some color to the bizarre tale of Bang Energy, the troop-loving "super creatine" energy drink brand currently suing Pepsi.
“Demon Jizz BerryFister Blast - I know you’re proud of this. I’d certainly be,” wrote John M. “I can see the logo in my head. Very inappropriate yet totally fine to display in public somehow.”
To reiterate: Demon Jizz BerryFister Blast is not real (yet, at least.) But John M.’s comment poses an interesting policy question: where is the “decency line” for marketing energy drinks? You’ll be shocked—SHOCKED, I tell you—to learn that it’s pretty murky!
This photo comes via CaffeineInformer.com, which, incidentally, is the best trade publication name I’ve ever heard. Source
Writer Sara Talpos went long on the matter for Undark in a 2019 piece, noting (emphasis mine):
Historically, government agencies such as the U.S. Food and Drug Administration have struggled to regulate beverages with added caffeine. Though it offers some guidance, the FDA allows manufacturers of liquid products to decide on their own whether to market their products as dietary supplements, or as conventional foods and beverages, which carry differing regulatory requirements.
While the Wild West nature of energy drink marketing might be bad for the gastrointestinal functions and longterm health of America’s strung-out youth (a case Talpos and others have laid out in great detail), it’s also flooded the (super)market with absolutely deranged, lowest-common-denominator brands, can designs, and ad campaigns. Yes, this is capitalism spinning out of control, and we’re all worse for it. But, as the lawsuits-and-MAGA saga of Bang Energy proves, the chaos produces outcomes that are undeniably hilarious to observe.
To wit: Friend of Fingers Miles B. tipped me off to Cocaine—the real name of a real energy drink that somehow returned to shelves last decade after being briefly banned in the U.S. “Heard of it?” he asked. I had not, which got me to thinking: what other inappropriate/macho/lewd/otherwise concerning REAL energy drinks are out there on store shelves and c-store coolers that (due to limited distribution, regional preference, or other market quirks) I’ve never seen?
Inquiring minds (i.e. your fearless Fingers editor) would like to know. Please comment below, with links if at all possible!
Lol @bartlebooth45 chimed in on Twitter from the UK alerting me to the existence of PUSSY NATURAL ENERGY. Per Wikipedia: "Inspired by the Virgin brand name of Virgin Group, [company founder Jonnie] Shearer decided to name his drink Pussy... Today, the company generates approximate revenue of $14.6m and employs 94 people." Richard Branson, please come get your mans.
Via @SteveWisey on Fingers Instagram: "Not really insane, but the name always makes me laugh. Bawls, probably one of the best tasting energy products on the market." https://www.bawls.com/
I feel obligated to shamelessly self-promote lol. I tried to get the Cocaine people on the record for weeks a few years ago and never managed to by deadline. After this story ran they sent 96 cans of the stuff to the Thrillist office as a troll lol. https://www.thrillist.com/drink/nation/cocaine-energy-drink-history
"The company again complied with the FDA's request and also added a snarky disclaimer to the cans for good measure: 'This message is for the people who are too stupid to recognize the obvious. This product does not contain the drug cocaine (duh). This product is not intended to be an alternative to an illicit street drug, and anyone who thinks otherwise is an idiot.'"
Also, it gives me no pleasure to dig up this artifact of early energy-drink subculture, but I'm grimly passing it to you like a guy handing you a laptop in your freshman dorm and saying "watch this" https://youtu.be/t-3qncy5Qfk
Lol @bartlebooth45 chimed in on Twitter from the UK alerting me to the existence of PUSSY NATURAL ENERGY. Per Wikipedia: "Inspired by the Virgin brand name of Virgin Group, [company founder Jonnie] Shearer decided to name his drink Pussy... Today, the company generates approximate revenue of $14.6m and employs 94 people." Richard Branson, please come get your mans.
<https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pussy_(energy_drink)>
Via @SteveWisey on Fingers Instagram: "Not really insane, but the name always makes me laugh. Bawls, probably one of the best tasting energy products on the market." https://www.bawls.com/
Catch a Predator at your local convenience store or wherever finer guarana sludge is sold: https://predatorenergydrink.com/en/
This website looks like it wants to fight me.
I feel obligated to shamelessly self-promote lol. I tried to get the Cocaine people on the record for weeks a few years ago and never managed to by deadline. After this story ran they sent 96 cans of the stuff to the Thrillist office as a troll lol. https://www.thrillist.com/drink/nation/cocaine-energy-drink-history
In 2017 I did manage to order (and expense) some sample cans to report the piece. Getting them wasn't hard.
"The company again complied with the FDA's request and also added a snarky disclaimer to the cans for good measure: 'This message is for the people who are too stupid to recognize the obvious. This product does not contain the drug cocaine (duh). This product is not intended to be an alternative to an illicit street drug, and anyone who thinks otherwise is an idiot.'"
This one's a little too spooky for my taste. I'll crack open a can on Halloween but that's IT for me. https://www.bookooenergydrink.com/
Also, it gives me no pleasure to dig up this artifact of early energy-drink subculture, but I'm grimly passing it to you like a guy handing you a laptop in your freshman dorm and saying "watch this" https://youtu.be/t-3qncy5Qfk
Their three flavors are citrus, wildberry, and "half citrus, half wildberry" which absolutely owns
The arnold palmer of energy beverages
At least you have to be 21 to buy this beer, but it was formerly called LSD.
https://www.growlermag.com/mill-feds-force-indeed-to-change-name-of-lsd-because-drugs/
wow this is very nice article. i really like the information thankyou so much
https://dukaanbazar.com/10-best-energy-drink-to-boost-immunity/food-and-drink/