"Not an adaptogen but a connectogen"

In a very straightforward sense, every beverage is a functional beverage. You drink a beverage, it slakes your thirst, function fulfilled. But America’s LinkedIn-addled consumer-packaged-goods entrepreneurs have never been held back by mere literalism, and so over the past decade or so they’ve entered the term “functional beverage” into the trade lexicon to describe the dodgy, lucrative pseudosegment of nonalcoholic lemonades infused with, like, ashwagandha. Or whatever. You know those minimalistically branded, matte-labeled cans in recently gentrified grocery stores that you’re about to impulse-buy before realizing they all have “adaptogens” in them?Those are ones.

But what if adaptogens themselves could be gentrified? If, as Cantrip founder Adam Terry recently proposed, an additive was:

…would you be interested in that particular functional beverage then? Oh, you actually think it sounds even sketchier now? You want to know if it’s even legal to sell this stuff? What are you, the functional beverage police?!

If you see beverage-alcohol corporatespeak in the wild that deserves to be the next Fingers Buzzword, submit it for consideration to [email protected]. All submissions anonymous!