Editor’s note: This is the final edition of Fingers for 2025. Happy holidays, and thanks for another great year, Fingers Fam.—Dave.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year: the end of it. What a fucking nightmare that was, huh? But before 2025 is consigned to the ice well of history, a gift-giving gauntlet looms. Fingers is here to help. For weeks, this very boozeletter has searched high, low, hither, and fro for the drop-dead dumbest drinking-related shit you can purchase on the internet. Now, with less than 24 hours to go until Christmas morning, it’s time to unveil the rotten fruits of this ludicrous labor. I’m talking, of course, about the 2025 Bad Holiday Gift Guide for Heavy-Drinking Frenemies™️ (BHGGfH-DF™️). Hold onto your Elf limited-edition maple-syrup-flavored BuzzBallz, Fingers Fam. It’s about to get messy.
For the sixth straight year, your fearless Fingers editor has curated a grip of overpriced, underbaked, and deeply embarrassing booze-themed items for people in your life to which you’re obligated to present presents. This year’s roster of wretches includes:
Your trad-Cath tater nephew who can’t get a date;
Your Yellowstone LARPing father-in-law with incoherent ideas about data centers;
Your step-sister who flies to cities under ICE siege just to get on Tinder;
And so many more. As ever, these heavy-drinking frenemies are completely made-up, and definitely not thinly veiled sketches to real jagoffs, skanks, and choads from real life. It’s called fiction, sweaty, look it up. That being said, all the products you’re about to see below are painfully real symptoms of the American drinking public’s aesthetic bankruptcy and unquenchable thirst for tacky trash. And I think that’s B-E-A-utiful.
Per longstanding editorial policy, the 2025 BHGGfH-DF™️ is being published far too late for you to actually buy any of this schlock for Christmas, even if you wanted to. (You don’t, I promise.) Of course, if you’re looking for a good gift for the industry insider, bartender, or enthusiast in your life, consider buying them a subscription to Fingers:
And if you’re not yet a paying Friend of Fingers, why not gift yourself a subscription?
You’ll get free previews of the gifts and frenemies below, but you’ll need to be paid-up in order to enjoy the BHGGfH-DF™️ in full. Every subscription underwrites independent, award-winning, AI-free journalism about drinking in America—and occasional holiday shitposts like this one. Hope to see you on the other side of the paywall!
Don’t forget to check out the 2024, 2023, 2022, 2021, and 2020 editions of the BHGGfH-DF™️ here. Thanks to all the readers who submitted gift ideas. Now, without further ado, it’s your Bad Holiday Gift Guide for Heavy-Drinking Frenemies™ of 2025!
✝️ Your trad-Cath tater nephew who can’t get a date
Gift submitted by Brian T.
🤠 Your Yellowstone LARPing father-in-law with incoherent ideas about data centers
🚓 Your step-sister who flies to cities under ICE siege just to hop on Tinder
Gift submitted by Brian T.
💳 Your neighbor who volunteers to be taken advantage of by the Instagram shopping algorithm
Gift inspired by a submission from Melissa J.
📚 Your elder Millennial brother who still quotes Anchorman
🤌 Your coworker who’s made Aperol Spritzes her entire personality
👑 Your trial-separated Gen X boss who thinks all the White House remodeling is “actually pretty neat”
🧢 Your Abundance-pilled frat brother who is singlehandedly gentrifying a small Southeastern city
Gift submitted by Rob F.
